Psychological Express

The old saying often goes:Observe the mother and know the son

In a family, the mother is the person who has the most contact with the child.

A mother's words, actions, perspective, attitude, and reactions towards life can have a subtle impact on her children.

There is a student in psychology whoThe Mother Child LawWhat he said isWhat personality does a mother have, what fate does a child have。

A brave mother like the wind can bring endless courage to her child;

An optimistic mother can teach her children to face life's challenges positively.

But mothers with the following three personalities can become "invisible obstacles" to their children's growth, and if you want to become an excellent mother, you must avoid these three states.

01 Self Sacrificing Mother

Self sacrificing mothers cannot raise children with strong happiness and high values.

Educator Makarenko once said:

Everything for the child, sacrificing everything, even sacrificing one's own happiness, is the scariest gift parents can give their children

In the catchphrase of a self sacrificing mother, it's all about 'for you', but there's no 'myself'.

Mom thinks this is love, but if she exerts too much force, she will lose her sense of propriety, and this "for your own good" will become a heavy shackle, making it difficult for the child to breathe.

Research in child psychology suggests that:

Children who grow up in an atmosphere of "self sacrifice" by their mothers for a long time will develop a "guilt driven personality".

They will blame themselves for their mother's unhappiness and dare not pursue their own needs, even resorting to self repression to repay their mother's efforts.

Children with this personality, even if they grow up to be materially affluent, find it difficult to feel true happiness.

Mothers who sacrifice excessively often unconsciously bind their "self-worth" to their children, and when their children fail to meet expectations, they will convey negative emotions through complaints.

Dong Yuhui once said a thought-provoking sentence in his speech:

Many parents quit their jobs and focus solely on their children, overly concerned about their children, and their children go crazy very early

Every time I fail an exam, it seems like a betrayal of my mother's great sacrifice.

How can a child, burdened with pressure and guilt, have a solid sense of value and happiness of "I am worthy of love" and "I am capable"?

02 A mother with a strong desire for control

A mother with a strong desire for control always likes to arrange every step of her child's life, making it difficult to raise an independent and confident child.

That is to say, excessive control not only stifles children's independent consciousness, but also makes them lose the initiative and enthusiasm to do things.

Song Qian in "Little Joy" is a typical controlling mother.

Yingzi likes astronomy, and she secretly tore up Yingzi's application form for Nanjing University;

Yingzi wants to participate in the astronomy summer camp, but she firmly opposes it on the grounds of "affecting learning".

In the end, Yingzi, who had been suppressed to the extreme, suffered from depression and collapsed by the seaside, shouting, "I am not your subordinate.

In PsychologyLearned HelplessnessIndicate:

When children are in a controlled environment for a long time, they will gradually lose their sense of control over life and think that 'no matter what I do, I cannot decide my own life', thus giving up effort and thinking.

That's also why many controlled children either become rebellious and extreme, or weak and incompetent as they grow up.

Psychologist Wu Zhihong said:

Parents with a strong desire for control cannot raise successful children, they can only raise enemies

If you avoid all the pitfalls for him, he will never learn to walk;

If you make all the decisions for him, he will never grow an independent soul.

True love is not about enclosing a child in one's own protective circle, but about teaching them to discern their direction and to bravely venture forward, even if they may fall, it is a necessary path for their growth.

03 An overly emotional mother

An overly emotional mother cannot raise a child who feels secure and daring.

A child psychologist once conducted an experiment:

When the mother's emotions are stable, the child's cortisol (stress hormone) levels will decrease, making it easier to show confident and optimistic traits;

Children who are in a mother's bad mood for a long time will have consistently high levels of cortisol, which not only affects brain development, but also becomes timid, suspicious, and lacking in security.

The establishment of a sense of security not only requires the companionship and emotional connection of parents, but also relies on their sincere expression towards their children.

Emotional stability is not about never getting angry, but about knowing how to "express emotions well".

A mother's calmness and rationality will inject a strong sense of security into her child, letting them know that "no matter what happens, a mother is reliable", and they will be more willing to try and explore, and will not hesitate or be afraid of making mistakes.

Children who have a sense of security will have more strength and confidence to explore the unknown world.

04 In Conclusion

Seeing this, some mothers may feel anxious:

I seem to be one of these three types of mothers, have I ruined my child

In fact, there is no perfect mother, we all stumble on the path of parenting. Making mistakes is not scary, what is important is that we reflect and adjust in a timely manner.

If you are a self sacrificing mother, try to love yourself more:

Set aside half a day each week to do things you like, occasionally buy a piece of clothing you like, and tell your child that 'Mom also has her own needs';

If you are a controlling mother, try to learn to let go:

Give children some opportunities for independent choice, such as letting them decide where to play on weekends or which interest classes to enroll in, even if they make the wrong choices;

If you are an overly emotional mother, try to manage your emotions:

When angry, take a deep breath for 10 seconds or temporarily leave the scene to calm down. Don't treat the child as an 'emotional trash can'.

What you give to your child is not just life, but also character and background.

I hope we can all use a more relaxed, gentle, and rational attitude to accompany our children as they grow up slowly. This is the best love to give them.

This article is reprinted from the WeChat official account "Heshun Mama has travelled and planned to raise children“