The scariest thing in a family is having too much resentment.

When a family is filled with resentment, people will definitely not have a sense of happiness in this family, and being in such a family is also easy to be destroyed.

Why do you say that? Today, let's talk about this topic together.

1、 Bad families always blame each other

In many families, there is often a phenomenon where all family members blame each other.

For example, a wife complains about her husband, who has been invisible for a long time and is seriously absent from the family. A husband complains about his wife, is not considerate, has a hot temper, is easily emotional, and likes to nitpick.

Moreover, in a family, if there is tension in the marital relationship, the wife or husband may bring one of the children in the family into their relationship to alleviate anxiety in their relationship with their partner.

Psychologist Bowen referred to this triangular relationship as "triangulation", where two individuals unite to oppose a third party.

Parents usually demand that their children take sides between their parents by spoiling them, controlling them, complaining to their children, and letting their children convey their needs, opinions, or complaints to the other party on their behalf. They also demand that their children act as judges or uphold justice between their parents.

Once a child is pulled into their triangular relationship by their parents, they may experience behavioral or psychological problems.

Once a child has problems, parents will blame them, complain about their poor academic performance, and rebel. At the same time, children may also blame their parents in their hearts.

But at this point, the parents are not aware of it yet, and instead, the couple will focus on the issue of their child's rebellion, temporarily masking the marital conflict through "cooperation" in this matter.

Couples arguing, pulling children to stand in line; Mother son conflict, pull father to reason. If the problem is not solved, focus on the child, and the conflict is not resolved, only transferred.

Anken Psychology also frequently receives such visitors during the process of psychological counseling.

Little do they know, when individuals encounter prominent problems, they are most likely the "scapegoat" chosen by the family, representing the need for help for the entire family.

So, what is a good family?

A good family is not one that is free from arguments and conflicts.

In this world, everyone is different. If two independent subjective worlds, two sets of interests, two sets of attributions, two sets of emotions, two sets of attachments, two sets of communication styles, and two sets of power needs are placed in the same relationship without a common "operating system", there will inevitably be conflicts.

The key is how to resolve conflicts after they arise.

Family therapy master Miniuqing once said:An ideal family is actually a family with the ability to repair. There is no family without conflicts and problems. As long as this family has the ability to repair conflicts and solve problems, it is a good enough family

2、 Three methods to build a happy family

Family needs to be repaired. So, how should we proceed? Here, I will share three methods with you.

The first step is to change oneself if you want to change others.

The essence of resentment is the deadlock of responsibility attribution. When everyone in the family believes that the problem lies with someone else, the system falls into a cycle of blame: you blame me, I blame you, and no one is willing to lay down their weapons first. This is not a moral issue, but a system dynamics issue.

As psychiatrist Murray Bowen proposed in the 1950s:Family is an emotional unit, and changes in one person can lead to changes in the entire group.

So, you must start by changing yourself first.

But it doesn't mean that you have to compromise and sacrifice yourself everywhere. If you encounter a big problem that you don't have the ability to solve. You can bring your family members alongAnken PsychologySeek my help.

The second one is de triangulation.

There should be no class in the family, and the affairs of the family should not belong to any one person. We should work together to solve them.

As mentioned above, triangulation. If parents have conflicts, they will pull their children into their own camp. This not only fails to solve the problem, but also escalates it.

To have healthy family relationships, we need to triangulate.

What should be done specifically?

The first step is to acknowledge the existence of this pattern. Couples need to sit down and honestly say an extremely difficult sentence: 'We have been using the issue of our children to avoid our problems.' When this sentence is spoken, the triangular relationship begins to loosen.

The second step is to establish a direct channel between husband and wife. Set aside a fixed time every week to not talk about children, only talk about each other. This is not to solve the problem, but to re-establish the fact that 'we are an independent binary relationship'. When couples can have direct conversations, children no longer need to "bear" for them.

When children do not bear the emotions and problems of their parents, their psychology is often healthier.

The third one is to rebuild the connection.

The third method is particularly important, which is to rebuild the connection.

Psychologist Li Songwei once said:The essence of mental illness is the loss of humor and the ability to relax, and families need to relearn how to make life fun.

If the family atmosphere is too tense and you don't know what to talk about with your child except for studying, the parent-child relationship will naturally be poor; Focusing too much on children and neglecting the other half naturally leads to poor marital relationships.

What should be done specifically? It's about restoring non functional relationships.

The so-called non functional refers to doing things that are not intended to solve problems, educate children, or achieve certain goals.

For example, taking a walk together, watching a movie together, cooking a meal together, playing a game together, or even just sitting together chatting for ten minutes.

These things may seem 'useless', but it is precisely these' useless' moments that are re weaving the emotional bonds between family members. If all interactions in a family are purposeful, everyone will be tired. A good family must have some happy moments that waste time.

Finally, the scariest thing is having resentment in the family. When there is resentment, a family is destroyed.

Any great investment is not as good as investing in a family.

Managing a family well means making money. Husband and wife are harmonious, father and son are devoted, and together they can progress together, the family will naturally thrive.

This article is reproduced from the official account "Dr. Yang said psychology"